33 Days [Listening to Backstreet Boys]

So he is leaving again for the Philippines. I'm scared. Yesterday I had sooo much emotions running that I couldn't take it and just cried my eyes out.. almost literal. That was the hardest I cried since like not to loong ago. Haha. But shit, still. In my head I kept thinking what am I going to do without him, what am I going to do at night, who am I going to talk to, and especially what am I going to do when I'm by myself. Of course when he is going to be up there, time is going to go by fast for him. And what sucks, a lot of my friends do live close by so it's gonna be hard for me to go with them. Like I really don't want to ever stay by myself because I know I'm just going to cry. When the first time he left, I cried every day and night even before meeting up with my friends because he is so far away. And communicating is going to be really hard.

I'm worried. Last night when he dropped me off and I took Bling for a walk at night, I just started balling and talking to myself. And what made matters even worse was that he just told me yesterday/last night. And I have been asking him if he was going, but never did ask his mom. So when I was walking, it got me thinking what if I cheat on him? What if someone comes along? What if I do something that I regret? Just all the "What ifs?" Like dude! Who am I going to text?? Last year, oh my. He called me and like from then on, I started calling him and texting him. And my bill came out. My parents were PISSED. My bill was guarantee more than your worse phone bill. Ready? It was OVER THREE THOUSAND!! And I aint even playing. That is why I pay my own.

Honestly, I hate going through this crap because I'm the type of person in the relationship that I love seeing him everyday and I hate being away from him. With this, him leaving, makes me suffer. And he does too. He always wants to be with me everyday. And he have told me about his past relationships about him going to PI and the girls would have doubts and what not. That would be the reason for their break-up. But I honestly wanted to break-up with him too because I couldn't stand being lonely and without him. I just wanted someone there. But when I told him that, he kept on telling me to not to give up. He didn't want us to end.

i know I'm going to make it but it's just I'm scared on how I'm going to pass the time. Frick, I am going to try so hard to not to cry. And He wants me to come to the airport with him. Last year I went, I was so heartbroken because I was actually seeing him leaving me. I cried the whole day and pretty much everyday after that. But now, I have Bling. He is always there for me when I cry. He hates seeing me cry and just licks my tears away. Well, he has a load of tears for him to lick. HAHA.

And they say time heals

I feel that it's true in certain situations. Also, change is on-going. To change for someone takes time, not in a couple of days. What if sometimes I just want you to myself? What if I don't want you to just stay with me just for a couple of hours? It's obvious that you put your friends before me and Bling, but you say that I am your first priority. Don't make sense.


Feel me?

Realize, Real Eyes, Real lies.

Three years together. Two years. It took him this long to finally get through his thick skull what he is doing to me. It sucked that how it went down this morning. Finding out what would make a girl devastated to find out what their boyfriend had did to them. But who knows. There is always that possibility that it could be a misunderstanding. Of course deep down I knew it wasn't true. I was caught up in the hype of the situation. Over-reacting. I did what any girlfriend would do if they found out that they went out behind your back to the club. I must say his face was priceless. I don't blame my friends laughing. FINALLY, CAUGHT! He never knew that I would do that to him. I always wanted to get out of the car and catch him. And I finally did it. His friends was scared. I couldn't believe that I stood up to him in front of everyone, just embarrassing him. I was taking it all in.

We walked away from the crowd. We haven't had this kind of talk in a while. I was mad when my friends told me what happened and what he "did". I was mad that he went out, especially to the place that his friend brought him. I made it clear to him that I wasn't mad at his friend. He was just being a good friend. Just like how my friends were being to me. We talked about what happened that night and it was making it clear to me that we can't get mad because it was like over a month ago and him telling what happened that far back, he forgets a lot of stuff. This was the first time that he didn't blow up at me. I could tell that he was crying inside.

I'm glad that he just finally opened his eyes and realize that I have been down for him ever since and that he has to change his ways and think before acting. I hope that this doesn't ever happen again. I didn't want to embarrass him , but I felt like I had to to make him realize what he is doing to me. Of course I understood why he went there because of the crap I just had told him and he just wanted to get out of the house and forget about it. Because he was really mad when I told him. He just wanted to get away. And of course you would have felt like that, just run away because you are so mad and what not. I couldn't blame him. I suggested him that he should say sorry to our friends because of the crap that he put me through and all that. I felt that he was genuine about everything because what I did to him.

Just like what my friend said to me, "At the end of the day you still love him and you still want to be with him."
I hope he sticks to his words. *crossing fingers

Rest

So it's like 2:45 in the morning. Boyfriend was busy with cleaning out his room. Lucky him! He getting his room a make-over.These past few days got me really thinking about my relationship. The reason why I get so upset about him is because he can't even do the simplest things for me. Then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him. I guess I have high expectations for him because he was honestly sooo perfect before. He totally changed when we broke up the second time... started smoking, drinking, stealing, worse anger issues, sneaking out, just pretty much being the typical asshole. After that, it was hard for me to help him change. My friend Lacey told me the other night when we were on the phone that I can try as much to help a person change, but they are the ones that have to make the change. I know this but you know when you on the inside of things, you can't see outside of the box.

I honestly had never thought that I would deal with this kind of crap. Like I said before, I honestly regret ever being with him because I can't get back the time that I wasted when I could have taken risks with activities going on at school, could have stayed at practices longer, continue on with volleyball and basketball clinics. I felt that I could have gone really far if I wasn't tied down. But you know, all the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" deal. Course at the same time, he makes me happy and everything else. Just the whole doubting deal.

He starts to get better every single time and then he falls back to his old ways. I'm done having hopes for him. I'm just going to go with the flow. Sick and tired of always setting myself up for disappointment. I'm going to wait, yeah I have been waiting for 2 years to get that young boy back to the way he was. But people change. I admit that I am that type of person that is just stuck in the past because it DID make me happy. Life goes on, never falls back.

I think I hate him more than I love him. But when he tries to be REAL, like that innocent young man used to be, I feel no hate. It's like the storm stopped. What sucks is that I know that I will always love him unconditionally. He is my everything. He certainly had me at "Hello".

Dilemma

Today was just one of those days in the relationship that you just want to get out of it, but can't. For me, I'm TOO nice of a person to ruin things. I can feel my heart giving up little by little. Trusting him from the beginning was "ify" because just knowing him, but that bugga was crazy about me. Now letting my guard down was a BIIG step. Just until that ONE day he ruined it. Seriously, after that... I COULD NOT FULLY TRUST HIM. Even till this day I can't. Well I was beginning to. Yeah, it was aite til today. It takes me a real long time to trust him. I hate starting back at zero.

LYING is a no-no with me. I don't respect liars. Therefore, I do not even respect my own man. I'm sorry to say. You thinking why am I even still with him. HELLOO!! Where have you been? 3 years? Come on, someone can't just throw it away like that. And I'm not scared to admit that I'm scared of losing him. I feel that I have a lot to lose in this. The whole day I was texting my homie, Alvin. I just hope that he doesn't give up on me. He's a real friend that listens and just tries to make me forget about my bullshit.

I miss the old him :( I miss the Xavier that I fell in love with in the first place. I wish he could just be straight up with me like before. It seems that the past made me happier..

The Slightest Could've Fooled Me

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now:
1. GARRL! YOU JUST LUCKY THAT I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT FHS GRAD & WATCH WHEN I SEE YOU..
2. I'm glad that we got closer.
3. Still doubting you.
4. I miss volleyball!! COME AND SAVE ME!!
5. I NEED A CAR SO I CAN COME AND GET YOU!!
6. PUNANIS!! hehe
7. Hope you are finding it in yourself that you gotta do what you gotta do because we both know that he is always naggin.
8. You so MIA! Get out the house!!
9. Where has the hookah been at??
10. UGH! GET OUT!!

9 things people may not know about you: [BUT NOW YOU WILL KNOW]
1. Love to cupcake.
2. I actually take the time to make stuff for special people.
3. THE NICEST, HONEST, MODEST PERSON YOU'LL EVER MEET.
4. Got a hella violent side, no joke.
5. Once you start something with me, I WILL FINISH IT.
6. People take advantage of me.
7. Would LOVE to train to fight.
8. Helpless romantic.
9. Remember promises.

8 ways to win my heart:
1. BE STRAIGHT UP
2. BE HONEST
3. HAVE AN OPEN MIND
4. LISTEN TO ME
5. BE LOYAL
6. ACTUALLY BE THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED YOU
7. TAKE THE TIME TO KNOW ME
8. DOING LITTLE THINGS FOR ME

7 things that cross your mind a lot:
1. BLING
2. Xavier
3. My body
4. What I am going to do
5. Family and Friends
6. Living on my own
7. Knowing what I want to do and being successful

6 things you do before you fall asleep (not in order):
1. Shower
2. Change
3. Get bed ready
4. Call/txt Xavier
5. Computer
6. Charge phone

5 things you notice in the opposite sex:
1. Looks
2. Style
3. Their energy
4. Voice
5. Inner soul [hehe]

4 things you wish you never did:
1. Stay down here
2. Moved in with my mom
3. Take the chance to work during high school
4. Deal with his bullshit

3 songs to describe your life:
1. Superhuman - Chris Brown
2. Knocks You Down - Kerri Hilson
3. Best I Ever Had - Drizzy

2 things you want to do before you die:
1. Crazy stunts
2. Successful with my family and career

1 Confession:
1. I wish we were married and just at our own place