Rest

So it's like 2:45 in the morning. Boyfriend was busy with cleaning out his room. Lucky him! He getting his room a make-over.These past few days got me really thinking about my relationship. The reason why I get so upset about him is because he can't even do the simplest things for me. Then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him. I guess I have high expectations for him because he was honestly sooo perfect before. He totally changed when we broke up the second time... started smoking, drinking, stealing, worse anger issues, sneaking out, just pretty much being the typical asshole. After that, it was hard for me to help him change. My friend Lacey told me the other night when we were on the phone that I can try as much to help a person change, but they are the ones that have to make the change. I know this but you know when you on the inside of things, you can't see outside of the box.

I honestly had never thought that I would deal with this kind of crap. Like I said before, I honestly regret ever being with him because I can't get back the time that I wasted when I could have taken risks with activities going on at school, could have stayed at practices longer, continue on with volleyball and basketball clinics. I felt that I could have gone really far if I wasn't tied down. But you know, all the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" deal. Course at the same time, he makes me happy and everything else. Just the whole doubting deal.

He starts to get better every single time and then he falls back to his old ways. I'm done having hopes for him. I'm just going to go with the flow. Sick and tired of always setting myself up for disappointment. I'm going to wait, yeah I have been waiting for 2 years to get that young boy back to the way he was. But people change. I admit that I am that type of person that is just stuck in the past because it DID make me happy. Life goes on, never falls back.

I think I hate him more than I love him. But when he tries to be REAL, like that innocent young man used to be, I feel no hate. It's like the storm stopped. What sucks is that I know that I will always love him unconditionally. He is my everything. He certainly had me at "Hello".